The Adventures of a Male Mary Sue
by Cheep FIsh Baby
Summary: Yeah, as you probably guessed, this is a mary sue parody story. The first chapter is completely meant to be comical, but it will get slightly more serious later on.
1. Chapter 1

The boy stepped into King Cross Station. He looked to be around seventeen, maybe a little older. He looked at his ticket, which read, Platform 9 ¾. Naturally, he knew exactly where this was. It must have been the barrier that divided the two platforms. He was very intelligent in that way. He was also very handsome. He had rugish, long brown hair that flowed like a waterfall. He seemed to be absolutely physically perfect, and obviously had a great personality too. Although he did look like he could stand to lose a couple of pounds.

Every female at the train station was staring at him. It was a shame that he had his face hidden by those big dark sunglasses. He was alone. He had been alone for a long time. He stepped through the magical barrier, looking very handsome, cool, and kind while doing it. Later the ministry of magic would have to erase the memories of several muggle girls who had followed him all the way to the station since he was so absolutely handsome with the rugish long hair and broad shoulder, and saw him go into Platform 9 ¾.

He stepped onto the train, and even though there was over a thousand students he immediately found an empty compartment. He lost himself in his thoughts, so he didn't notice the door being openned.

"Hello, may we sit in here?"

The boy looked up. There were six people standing in front of him. The person who had spoken was a skinny boy with messy black hair and round glasses. Next to him was a tall boy with flaming red hair and a large nose, and a younger girl, also with red hair, and covered with freckles. On their other side was a girl with big bushy hair who was carrying a large bookbag. Next to her was a boy small portly boy with a round face carrying a toad. And on his other side was a large black boy.

The boy didn't answer.

"Sorry, but all the other compartments are completely full, and you somehow got one all to yourself. So may way sit in here with you?"

The boy ignored him, instead reaching for his wand, and started waving it through the air. He was spelling out letters, and wherever he waved his wanding fiery words were left. His message read:

I'm sorry. I'm mute. This is how I communicate. You can sit it here if you want. I'm an exchange student from Canada's "Leger Lourd Magic Specialty School". Of course, I am very nervous about being in a new school in a new country. I feel all alone and angsty. But, I guess it won't be too bad, if all the girls in thr school are as beatiful as you two are.

Ginny and Hermione blushed and giggled and felt like they might faint, and whispered into each other's ears, because they always act like that. Ron looked more than a little angry, but that was mostly because he was so jealous of how this boy could win over the ladies.

That's a cool toad you've got their too. And I love your Chudley Cannons t-shirt. And your black, so I have to like you!

Neville, Ron and Dean blushed and giggled and felt like they might faint, and whispered into each other's ears, because they always act like that.

_And, oh my god, I just noticed your scar! Your lightning bolt scar. Oh my god!_

"Yeah, yeah, okay, I'm Harry Potter!"

You are? I mean, yeah, of course you are. That's why I wrote that. Yeah.

Everybody introduced themselves to the boy.

It's a pleasure to meet you all. My name is Marian Shannen Canmore, but my friends call me Cheep Fish Baby.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Cheep Fish Baby!" everyone else said in unison.

"So, Cheep Fish Baby, why did you transfer here to Hogwarts? I mean, since when in the hell did people ever transfere to Hogwarts," asked Harry inquistively.

Well, I was doing so well in my school for young witches and wizards with disabilities, that they pulled a few strings with Dumbledore to arrange my being here.

"Wow. You are so brave, and wonderful, and have incredible hair," said Ron.

"But why didn't you just transfer to the nearer American Salem Witches' Institute?" asked Ginny, who then shut off her brain and looked at Cheep Fish Baby's incredible hair.

That close-minded place with those under-achieving, deliquent students, over-crowded, with an unusually high suicide and student assualt rates? No thanks.

At that moment, every Slytherin in the seventh year came in and started attacking the people in that compartment for no good reason. For another no good reason Harry, Ron, Ginny, Hermione, Neville and Dean suddenly froze up and become incapable of doing anything for their own self-defense. Luckily, Cheep Fish Baby stood up and pointed his wand at the Slytherins, promptly turning all of their clothes into pieces of parchment, and so they ran away in shame as it fell off their bodies, exposing themselves naked. Now all the Slytherins hated Cheep Fish Baby, but they also really admired his unbelievable transfiguration skills and his incredible hair.

"Wow, that was unbelievable transfiguration!" said Hermione.

"Yeah, and you did it with a silent spell. I guess you do all your spells silently, huh?" asked Neville.

Since I was eleven.

"Wow, that's so incredible. You must be really powerful and intelligent to pull that off. Probably even better than Dumbledore!" said Dean.

"How can you say that!" said Harry. "He's obviously leagues ahead of Dumbledore!"

"Yeah," said Ron, who was starting to feel kind of gay for him.

Cheep Fish Baby was so relaxed that he decided to take off his sunglasses. It was than that everyone saw that he had one completely white eye and one purple eye. Of course, even with this weird defect, he still looked like the most handsome man in all the world.

When they got to Hogwarts, Cheep Fish Baby got his own special ceremony, as he walked down the aisle to be sorted. Every eye was admiring his good-looks, even the guys and the staff.

"Canmore, Marian Shannen," said Professor McGonagall, who was absolutely flushing.

"Hmm," said the Sorting Hat when it was placed on his head, "I see you've got great ambition and cunning like all the Slytherins. You are also very hard working and very loyal like Hufflepuffs. I can see you are fair-minded and vastly intelligent like a Ravenclaw. You are also incredibley brave and courageous like a Gryffindor. It is going to be very hard to sort you. You are the most perfect student I have ever seen!"

The Sorting Hat spent over half an hour trying to decide what house to put Cheep Fish Baby in. Every girl in the school was praying to their respective god that he could go to their house. Finally, the Sorting Hat cried,

"GRYFFINDOR!"

Everyone in Gryffindor stood up and cheered and wanted to shake his hand. Everybody else at all the other tables started crying openly. The Gryffindors were crying too, but it was from the joy of having gotten Cheep Fish Baby. They all lined up to try to talk to him, shake his hand, hug him, kiss him, or just ask him to shag.

"Hi," said Lavendar Brown, "you should know it's a Hogwarts tradition to french kiss the new students…"

Finally, after a great feast, the students returned to bed. After Cheep Fish Baby escaped all the people who wanted his autograph in the common room, he went upstairs, where a sixth bed had been placed in the boys dorm. Here he fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I own Harry Potter. I own the rights to the books, the movies, the characters and the merchandising. I am J.K. Rowling. I am the president of Warner Brothers, Scholastic, Bloomsbury and any other company associated with the Harry Potter franchise. I will make billions upon billions of dollars off this story and I eagerly await the day that I get sued for it. Interestingly enough, I do not own any of the original characters that appear in this story, I am only renting them from you.

Alberix.Silver.Quill- Cheep Fish Baby is the name of a villain in Super Mario games. I write a lot of Mario fanfics.

Chapter 2

Cheep Fish Baby spent the whole night wondering about why that Harry Potter boy had a lightning shaped scar. This seemed to be a mystery so great that not even he could figure it out, and he was the smartest person in the universe. Of course the reader has no idea that I'm trying to establish some sort of long-lost connection between Cheep Fish Baby and Harry, because I'm weaving it all so subtly together.

As he stepped down into the great hall the next morning, after just barely escaping a gang of autograph-seekers, he saw several Slytherins were glaring at him. But deep down they just did it because they were so jealous of how perfect he was in every way and his rugish hair.

"Hello, Marian Shannen Canmore…" said Hermione longily. "I didn't properly introduce myself yesterday, my name is Hermi-desperate-for-you Granger-Canmore, er, I mean just Hermione Granger. My middle's name Jane, and I can straighten my hair if you don't like it."

**Of course I remember you Mione, how could I forget such a beautiful girl like you. **He wrote in the air. Hermione fainted.

**And you're Ronald Billius Weasley, right?**

"Yeah," said Ron. "How did you know my middle name?"

I know everything. And you're…_HARRY POTTER!_

"Why did you italicize my name for?" asked Harry.

Well I have to show emotion somehow. Say, you're not eavesdropping are you! He shouted to the whole hall. 

"Well, if you want to have a private conversation writing big fiery letters in the air isn't the way to do it." Said one Ravenclaw student. "But I still love you."

Cheep Fish Baby sighed and got out a piece of parchment and pointed his wand at it to make words appear on it.

Who's that blond boy with the cold, freezing, metallic grey piercing soulful devious eyes over there glaring at me?

"That _thing _over there is called Draco Malfoy, and we all hate him, and he hates us," said Hermione, who will from henceforth be called only Mione since Cheep Fish Baby thought that was cooler.

Well, if he's a bully I won't let him bother us. But maybe he's only a sad abused little boy who feels rejected by everyone who assumes he's evil because of his father, and maybe he's also gay. So, today I start class. I'm so nervous. Oh woe is my at how nervous I am.

"It's okay, I'm sure you'll do brilliantly. After all, you do have great hair."

As Harry predicted, Cheep Fish Baby's first week went brilliantly. He immediately impressed all of teacher's just by smiling, he answered every question, and had done all the homework for the coarse before school had began. The teacher's all decided that they wouldn't bother marking him and would just give him 100 now, and would only be expected to come to class to set a good example for the other stupider and uglier children with bad hair. The only teacher in the school who didn't like him was…get ready for this…SEVERUS SNAPE! He treated Cheep Fish Baby so badly that it made his behavioir to Harry look like that of a loving father. In fact, if I were to describe a Potions class to you now it would probably give you a heart attack. So just cry imagining how horrible it is.

It was on Friday afternoon, after class had finished, that Cheep Fish Baby was walking down a hall and saw Ginny, Harry, and Draco Malfoy at the end of the corridor. He hid behind a conviently placed pillar and listened in on the conversation. But that doesn't make him an eavesdropper.

"What does you think you're doing here, Potter?"

"I'm only just placing a sign asking for new players to sign up for the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Does that scare you Malfoy?"

"Scare me! Ha! Slytherin is a million times better than Gryffindor and there's nothing you can do about it!"

"That's it Malfoy, you've crossed the line on that one! That was the most horrible thing I've ever heard you say!" Ginny pulled out her wand, and so did Draco. Harry screamed like a little girl. Cheep Fish Baby banished Draco's wand from his hand.

Leave them alone Malfoy!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He screamed and ran away.

"Thank goodness, you saved my life!" cried Ginny.

"Wait, YOU saved her life," said Harry, "…but I save people's lives…"

Whatever. So, you're looking for new quidditch players.

"Yeah, we need a new chaser since Katie Bell left last year."

Wait, Katie's not here but Malfoy is…I don't understand when this story is taking place at all.

"Don't bother, it's pointless," said Harry.

"So, are you interested in Quidditch, Cheep Fish Baby?" asked Ginny.

Oh yes, I love Quidditch. I love it more than anyone on Earth, because when I do something, I do it better than anyone on Earth!

"Well maybe you could consider trying out?" asked Ginny.

Well, I'm sure I would look good in the team robes…

"Tryouts are this Saturday," said Harry angrily. "Let's go Ginny."

Harry complained about how stupid Cheep Fish Baby's hair was for the rest of the night until Mione finally threatened to kill him. Of course that night he begged God to forgive him for having thought such thoughts.

That Saturday, Cheep Fish Baby quickly proved his was the best at Quidditch. Ever. He blew everyone away during tryouts, and they offered him the position straightaway. He said he would have to think about it first, because he's cool. So, to help coarce him, the team agreed all have a team practise the next day.

Half-way through the game, Demelza Robins tried to score in the goalpost. Ron wasn't there to protect it, a bludger was following him as was a beater, the other beater was preoccupied with a bludger following Harry. In one quick motion, Cheep Fish Baby dived and caught the quaffle, throw it so hard that it landed in the goalpost on the other side of the pitch, grabbed the club out of the beater's hand, knocked the bludger harrassing Ron into the one harrassing Harry, and just for good measure, caught the snitch. The rest of the team looked on in awe.

"He…he played every single position at once!" cried Ginny.

"I think I wet my pants," said Demelza.

"Please, please, please, Cheep Fish Baby, tell us you'll join the team!" asked Harry.

Well, okay. But only because it's fun.

The rest of the team promptly decided that he was much better than all of them put together, and, if Madam Hooch would allow it, would let him play alone against the other teams the rest of the season, since they could only get in his way.


End file.
